Getting Serious Continued

Continued:
I also started to rapidly develop. (I swear it happened all one weekend.) I never wore a training Bra, The first Bra I purchased was a 32 FFF. (even this didn't fit but it was the closest I could get and my Grand Mother altered it to cinch around my rib cage) I went from nothing to an unnatural size. Remember I was 9 years old and about 4' 10". To my mother this now meant I was on the road to becoming a whore. Apparently other people think the bigger your chest is the higher you are on the whore scale too. But that's another story.
In reality I was innocent and sheltered. I didn't know anything about sex or boys. I was afraid of my body, afraid of doing something I should not be doing and becoming unclean in the eyes of my God. I was terrified of this possibility, so much so it made me ill.
Mom wasn't any help. I was unable to leave the room to get a drink or go to the bathroom without her asking where I was going and when I would be back. If it took longer then what I said she would come to find me, often asking if I was masterbating.
This in itself worried me because I had no idea what that was... I didn't know, was I masterbating? I didn't think so but what if I was? What would God think of me....
I was asked every month if I was pregnant. The answer was always no. But I wasn't sure how that happened either aside from the fact it needed to have the help of a guy and I sure didn't have any contact with them. But the question was always asked. Always.Or it was implied that I was pregnant. She would often walk in on me unannounced to see what I was doing. We had a clear shower curtain... So my mother could be certain I wasn't doing anything "Wrong" in the shower. She was obsessed with it. Watching and waiting for my time to come, so certain it would.
Mother looked at me and saw her miserable self. She hated herself and thought badly about all aspects of her body, looks and personality.
She would tell me I was heavy and need to lose weight. ( I was normal ) She told me one day when we were having a heart to heart in my bedroom sitting on my bed, "You need to work on your personality if you want to attract a husband when you get older because you certainly aren't going to attract anyone with your looks."
I believed her. She was my mother, who loved me and wanted the best for me. So I believed I was fat, ugly with a personality that was seriously lacking. I was a worthless human being incapable of being loved.
A deep dark depression quickly settled in at a very early age. How could it not?
My mother had other obsessions too. They involved cleaning. At a very early age I was charged with household chores. I remember standing on a chair unable to reach the sink but it was my job to do the dishes and clean the kitchen. I also did the laundry, sweeping mopping dusting and anything else that needed to be done. I was barely able to lift the mop bucket when it had water in it. None the less I did it and did it correctly or it was done over. Soon after I took on the chore of preparing dinner, the evening meal.
My mother often felt the need to have EVERYTHING done at once. So I would be pulled out of bed at 4:00 in the morning to do laundry and clean the house before school. After school I had a list of things to be done before bed. Then the mood would shift and she would swirl downward and when I got up for school I would find my Mother still in bed. I would get her out of bed and ready for work, helping her dress like a three year old. Then proceeding to dress myself and get to school. After school I would often come home to the blinds pulled and Mom on the couch the place completely torn up. This cycle would continue throughout her life... it still does.
In a way I am glad I had that life. I am very capable of taking care of the house, cooking meals and all the things a wife is responsible for. For that I am grateful. For the complete loss of my childhood... there is no words to express the sadness of such a loss of a time that should have been carefree and innocent. I feel for anyone who had to be the adult when they were so very young.
The depression continued and grew darker.