Continued:
I also started to rapidly develop. (I swear it happened all one weekend.) I never wore a training Bra, The first Bra I purchased was a 32 FFF. (even this didn't fit but it was the closest I could get and my Grand Mother altered it to cinch around my rib cage) I went from nothing to an unnatural size. Remember I was 9 years old and about 4' 10". To my mother this now meant I was on the road to becoming a whore. Apparently other people think the bigger your chest is the higher you are on the whore scale too. But that's another story.
In reality I was innocent and sheltered. I didn't know anything about sex or boys. I was afraid of my body, afraid of doing something I should not be doing and becoming unclean in the eyes of my God. I was terrified of this possibility, so much so it made me ill.
Mom wasn't any help. I was unable to leave the room to get a drink or go to the bathroom without her asking where I was going and when I would be back. If it took longer then what I said she would come to find me, often asking if I was masterbating.
This in itself worried me because I had no idea what that was... I didn't know, was I masterbating? I didn't think so but what if I was? What would God think of me....
I was asked every month if I was pregnant. The answer was always no. But I wasn't sure how that happened either aside from the fact it needed to have the help of a guy and I sure didn't have any contact with them. But the question was always asked. Always.Or it was implied that I was pregnant. She would often walk in on me unannounced to see what I was doing. We had a clear shower curtain... So my mother could be certain I wasn't doing anything "Wrong" in the shower. She was obsessed with it. Watching and waiting for my time to come, so certain it would.
Mother looked at me and saw her miserable self. She hated herself and thought badly about all aspects of her body, looks and personality.
She would tell me I was heavy and need to lose weight. ( I was normal ) She told me one day when we were having a heart to heart in my bedroom sitting on my bed, "You need to work on your personality if you want to attract a husband when you get older because you certainly aren't going to attract anyone with your looks."
I believed her. She was my mother, who loved me and wanted the best for me. So I believed I was fat, ugly with a personality that was seriously lacking. I was a worthless human being incapable of being loved.
A deep dark depression quickly settled in at a very early age. How could it not?
My mother had other obsessions too. They involved cleaning. At a very early age I was charged with household chores. I remember standing on a chair unable to reach the sink but it was my job to do the dishes and clean the kitchen. I also did the laundry, sweeping mopping dusting and anything else that needed to be done. I was barely able to lift the mop bucket when it had water in it. None the less I did it and did it correctly or it was done over. Soon after I took on the chore of preparing dinner, the evening meal.
My mother often felt the need to have EVERYTHING done at once. So I would be pulled out of bed at 4:00 in the morning to do laundry and clean the house before school. After school I had a list of things to be done before bed. Then the mood would shift and she would swirl downward and when I got up for school I would find my Mother still in bed. I would get her out of bed and ready for work, helping her dress like a three year old. Then proceeding to dress myself and get to school. After school I would often come home to the blinds pulled and Mom on the couch the place completely torn up. This cycle would continue throughout her life... it still does.
In a way I am glad I had that life. I am very capable of taking care of the house, cooking meals and all the things a wife is responsible for. For that I am grateful. For the complete loss of my childhood... there is no words to express the sadness of such a loss of a time that should have been carefree and innocent. I feel for anyone who had to be the adult when they were so very young.
The depression continued and grew darker.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Getting Serious
I have been putting off getting serious about what I have to write about. Today is the day to dig in and continue the process. I talked about my Mother and told a little bit about her. I have more to say and I should continue in that same vain.
When I was about 3? years old my mother decided to become a member of a religious group. My Dad did not join her in her spiritual search for the truth of the bible. So the family was split in two for this group was unlike most religions. They are serious about their spirituality. I was raised as was my two brothers in this religious organization. We started at a very young age and quickly learned about the Bibles truths. My dad on the other hand continued his way of life. Doing whatever pleased him and was satisfied with the situation unless something was demanded of him.
Such truths included not celebrating Christmas, Easter, birthdays... in fact any Holidays where not found favorable for a Christian of this faith to celebrate. As you can imagine this separated us from Everyone. Absolutely everyone. Including all of my family, Father, Aunts and Uncles and Grand parents. None of which were very please with the situation. But eventually they learned it wasn't going to change and they adjusted to it.
We were separated by our beliefs in others ways too. Our's was a religion of pure morality, worshiping God whole heartedly and following his commandments to Love one another and Love and serve God with your whole heart. It taught us to hate the worldly things and to love God's ways. Wordly things meaning the ways of the world...Such as spoken here in 1 Cor.6:9-10 " Do YOU not know that unrighteous persons will not inherit God's kingdom? Do not be misled. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, not adulterers, nor men kept for unnatural purposes, nor men who lie with men, nor thieves, nor greedy persons, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit God's kingdom."
We were to be pure of heart, mind and body.
There was no dating or class parties for younger members. No proms or friendships that originated outside of this religion. And this was for our own protection. I have to say, this was a fine way to grow up. I had positive influences in my life. I didn't have to worry about the pressures of dating, that was meant for getting to know a person before marriage and I was not anywhere near ready for that. My teachers and friends knew me for a person who could be trusted and would not lie to them or cheat them. I was a good person always striving to do what was right in the eyes of my God. I was okay with this way of life. I loved my God and wanted to serve him and make him happy.
People knew me to be a good person, comfortable with who I was. All but my mother.
My Mother was convinced I was on the edge of doing something horrifically wrong, that is if I hadn't already. Remember me saying before my Mother was an all or nothing person. There was no grey area, no in between, and she is incapable of being balanced in any thing.
I should mention at this point my Mother married my Father because they were to have a baby together. She had just turned 16.
With this in mind remember that anything my mother did she felt I should do also. I think this seeped over in her thinking that it was just a matter of time before I became pregnant just like she did.
When I was on summer vacation between third and fourth grade, I started my period. I also started to rapidly . Continued:
When I was about 3? years old my mother decided to become a member of a religious group. My Dad did not join her in her spiritual search for the truth of the bible. So the family was split in two for this group was unlike most religions. They are serious about their spirituality. I was raised as was my two brothers in this religious organization. We started at a very young age and quickly learned about the Bibles truths. My dad on the other hand continued his way of life. Doing whatever pleased him and was satisfied with the situation unless something was demanded of him.
Such truths included not celebrating Christmas, Easter, birthdays... in fact any Holidays where not found favorable for a Christian of this faith to celebrate. As you can imagine this separated us from Everyone. Absolutely everyone. Including all of my family, Father, Aunts and Uncles and Grand parents. None of which were very please with the situation. But eventually they learned it wasn't going to change and they adjusted to it.
We were separated by our beliefs in others ways too. Our's was a religion of pure morality, worshiping God whole heartedly and following his commandments to Love one another and Love and serve God with your whole heart. It taught us to hate the worldly things and to love God's ways. Wordly things meaning the ways of the world...Such as spoken here in 1 Cor.6:9-10 " Do YOU not know that unrighteous persons will not inherit God's kingdom? Do not be misled. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, not adulterers, nor men kept for unnatural purposes, nor men who lie with men, nor thieves, nor greedy persons, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit God's kingdom."
We were to be pure of heart, mind and body.
There was no dating or class parties for younger members. No proms or friendships that originated outside of this religion. And this was for our own protection. I have to say, this was a fine way to grow up. I had positive influences in my life. I didn't have to worry about the pressures of dating, that was meant for getting to know a person before marriage and I was not anywhere near ready for that. My teachers and friends knew me for a person who could be trusted and would not lie to them or cheat them. I was a good person always striving to do what was right in the eyes of my God. I was okay with this way of life. I loved my God and wanted to serve him and make him happy.
People knew me to be a good person, comfortable with who I was. All but my mother.
My Mother was convinced I was on the edge of doing something horrifically wrong, that is if I hadn't already. Remember me saying before my Mother was an all or nothing person. There was no grey area, no in between, and she is incapable of being balanced in any thing.
I should mention at this point my Mother married my Father because they were to have a baby together. She had just turned 16.
With this in mind remember that anything my mother did she felt I should do also. I think this seeped over in her thinking that it was just a matter of time before I became pregnant just like she did.
When I was on summer vacation between third and fourth grade, I started my period. I also started to rapidly . Continued:
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Clowns- Costumes-Puppets & other freaks of nature.
Why do people think clowns are funny? Why can't they forget the dress up part and just do the act in normal clothing without the face makeup? When people put on costumes they become a different person.... often allowing them to do things they wouldn't normally even think of doing.
I am so uncomfortable around anyone or anything I can't see or read there faces. When I come in contact with anyone who has one of those costumes on... the kind atDisney Land
I know it's because I can't see their faces. I have spent all my life reading the situation around me to keep me safe or at least sane. When I am faced with something that doesn't have a face... I freak. I have no idea what to expect, it could be anything at all. It is the same with puppets. Keep them away from me.
I am so uncomfortable around anyone or anything I can't see or read there faces. When I come in contact with anyone who has one of those costumes on... the kind at
I know it's because I can't see their faces. I have spent all my life reading the situation around me to keep me safe or at least sane. When I am faced with something that doesn't have a face... I freak. I have no idea what to expect, it could be anything at all. It is the same with puppets. Keep them away from me.
My Goals
I am trying my best these days to heal my wounds. That is the reason I have taken up this blog. To sort out my past .. put it out there away from myself and to forgive so I can move on with my life in a happy healthy way.
I want to make sure that everyone knows my intent is not to drum up drama. I have had enough of that in my lifetime and I personally don't like it. I REALLY want to heal, not forget, but to not remember as often as I do, and fill that time when I don't remember with better things.
I hope to do all this with as much humor as I can muster... when appropriate. Some things can't and shouldn't be humorous.
I want to make sure that everyone knows my intent is not to drum up drama. I have had enough of that in my lifetime and I personally don't like it. I REALLY want to heal, not forget, but to not remember as often as I do, and fill that time when I don't remember with better things.
I hope to do all this with as much humor as I can muster... when appropriate. Some things can't and shouldn't be humorous.
Friday, April 6, 2007
Introducing my Mother
My mother must be introduced early on in this blog for a lot of things will be explained just from knowing her.
First of all I need to state she is Bi Polar and has many other dabilitating problems. Unfortunately we lived most of our lives not knowing exactly what was going on. My mother is a person of extremes. All or Nothing. She has a personality disorder that makes her needy and constantly tells her she is not a fit person for anything or anyone. Of course this disorder could easily be called Her Father. He too was Bi Polar (although it was never diagnosed) with a Huge portion of Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. The man weeded his grass, all 15 acres of it. No one was allowed to step on it, so he had sidewalks and pathways criss crossing all through it. But that's another post, one that may explain a lot of my mothers problems. Back to her:
I know she was sexually abused at some point in her life and I think it very well may have been a continuous thing. It would later explain some of her obsession with sexuality and me.
My mother was a dieter even though she was thin and did not need to diet. I should explain anything my mother felt a need to do she made sure her daughter did also. No matter what the age. I clearly remember taking a packed lunch to school with celery sticks, four of them, all three inches long and sliced down the middle. That was at my school on the hill. Which means I was in first grade. I also remember sneaking down to the kitchen in the middle of the night and opening the refrigerator and taking small portions of everything/anything (small portions so it wasn't noted some was missing) and hiding behind the living room couch to eat it in the dark just in case someone heard me and came down to see what was going on. That is the house we lived in until I was 6 years old.
I would like to note here I was an average kid in size. I was not heavy in the least.
This would continue through out my life. If mum dieted, I dieted.
Remember please I said she was a person of extremes. She would diet and then she would gorge on candy, chips, cakes, pie... whatever she could get her hands on. It was almost a running joke that you could find candy bars anywhere if you looked hard enough. One of her favorite places was taped to the inside lid of our cookie jar. Who looks under the lid?
Now Mum would regret these splurges and say to the kids as she goes on another strict diet, "If I tell you guys to go to the store and buy me candy, cakes and pies,DON'T DO IT!"
(thus making us responsible for her actions. Of course after a week of the Grapefruit Diet the weekend would roll around and she would be found in the dark on the couch under her snuggle pouch (heavy blanket that snapped together to make a pouch to wear) with candy wrappers strewn around on the floor. The dog on her feet (the only time the dog was allowed on the furniture) and the first thing out of her mouth is, "I want you to go down to the store and buy my candy bars and Butterscotch cakes and a banana flip and whatever else they have down there." As she hands me a $20.00 bill.
I say," You told me I was to tell you no the last time you did this." I say as I timidly take the bill out of her hand. At this point her face changes into a frightening mask and her skin peels back off her forehead exposing her skull and flames shoot from her eyes and you hear in a thunderous voice, "DO IT NOW!"
Ten minutes later outside our house you can hear the BEEP BEEP BEEP of a truck backing up into the driveway to deliver all the goodies my Mum demanded.
Of course at the end of the weekend, when she is no longer binging she looks to me and says, "WHY did you let ME do this? I told you to say NO if I asked you to go to the store for me. If I do that again you MUST NOT go to the store. I mean it!" At which point we go back on a new diet, maybe the protein diet this week, since the Grapefruit diet didn't work last week, she didn't loose any weight on that one...
First of all I need to state she is Bi Polar and has many other dabilitating problems. Unfortunately we lived most of our lives not knowing exactly what was going on. My mother is a person of extremes. All or Nothing. She has a personality disorder that makes her needy and constantly tells her she is not a fit person for anything or anyone. Of course this disorder could easily be called Her Father. He too was Bi Polar (although it was never diagnosed) with a Huge portion of Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. The man weeded his grass, all 15 acres of it. No one was allowed to step on it, so he had sidewalks and pathways criss crossing all through it. But that's another post, one that may explain a lot of my mothers problems. Back to her:
I know she was sexually abused at some point in her life and I think it very well may have been a continuous thing. It would later explain some of her obsession with sexuality and me.
My mother was a dieter even though she was thin and did not need to diet. I should explain anything my mother felt a need to do she made sure her daughter did also. No matter what the age. I clearly remember taking a packed lunch to school with celery sticks, four of them, all three inches long and sliced down the middle. That was at my school on the hill. Which means I was in first grade. I also remember sneaking down to the kitchen in the middle of the night and opening the refrigerator and taking small portions of everything/anything (small portions so it wasn't noted some was missing) and hiding behind the living room couch to eat it in the dark just in case someone heard me and came down to see what was going on. That is the house we lived in until I was 6 years old.
I would like to note here I was an average kid in size. I was not heavy in the least.
This would continue through out my life. If mum dieted, I dieted.
Remember please I said she was a person of extremes. She would diet and then she would gorge on candy, chips, cakes, pie... whatever she could get her hands on. It was almost a running joke that you could find candy bars anywhere if you looked hard enough. One of her favorite places was taped to the inside lid of our cookie jar. Who looks under the lid?
Now Mum would regret these splurges and say to the kids as she goes on another strict diet, "If I tell you guys to go to the store and buy me candy, cakes and pies,DON'T DO IT!"
(thus making us responsible for her actions. Of course after a week of the Grapefruit Diet the weekend would roll around and she would be found in the dark on the couch under her snuggle pouch (heavy blanket that snapped together to make a pouch to wear) with candy wrappers strewn around on the floor. The dog on her feet (the only time the dog was allowed on the furniture) and the first thing out of her mouth is, "I want you to go down to the store and buy my candy bars and Butterscotch cakes and a banana flip and whatever else they have down there." As she hands me a $20.00 bill.
I say," You told me I was to tell you no the last time you did this." I say as I timidly take the bill out of her hand. At this point her face changes into a frightening mask and her skin peels back off her forehead exposing her skull and flames shoot from her eyes and you hear in a thunderous voice, "DO IT NOW!"
Ten minutes later outside our house you can hear the BEEP BEEP BEEP of a truck backing up into the driveway to deliver all the goodies my Mum demanded.
Of course at the end of the weekend, when she is no longer binging she looks to me and says, "WHY did you let ME do this? I told you to say NO if I asked you to go to the store for me. If I do that again you MUST NOT go to the store. I mean it!" At which point we go back on a new diet, maybe the protein diet this week, since the Grapefruit diet didn't work last week, she didn't loose any weight on that one...
Tricky Me
I thought I would be tricky this time when I signed up to use this blogger. I thought I would make a new password and that way no one here would be able to easily open this up and read it. As you can see it has take me a week to get back in here.... why you may ask.... cause I used a NEW password. Lesson learned. I finally figured out how I can reset the thing and start with a new password. One I am not going to forget.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
